I miss them so much. So much so that it sucks the air out of me whenever I have a chance to be near them it's as if my breath is being taken from me. I finally have a peaceful feeling inside. I do not want to leave them. I want to lie on the ground because maybe it will get me even closer to them. I almost want to dig down and crawl in between them just to be closer. What I wouldn't give to see them, hold them, hear them, smell her shampoo or his t-shirt with the scent of after shave. I would give anything to be able to call her, share with her, brag to him, argue with them. So much that we take for granted when they are here, but miss so dearly and feel so painfully when they are gone.
So many regrets. So many beautiful memories. How do I allow myself to forgive me. I can't get myself to leave them. Too many memories flash through my head. I can't catch up wth them. Lying in bed with her while she slowly died. Holding her hand when she took her last breath. Lying with her and holding her until they told me they had to take her. She had gotten cold. Watching them take her to the ugly car and wanting to jump through the big window on the front of the house that he built just for us. He went first. Cursing myself for not being able to do for him what I did for her. For not being there for that last breath. For missing my turn by less than 24 hours. Holding him up as he held on to me. Helping him stand when he could no longer do it himself. Having my arms around him while he leaned on me, this once strong, proud man whose arms I could not wait to jump into after he returned from another day of providing for his family.
They are gone.
I am lost.
